Saturday, January 29, 2005

Auto Dave Barry

Generate your own Dave Barry column! Mine:

Recently in Kansas City (motto: "You, sir, have a foul and unpleasant odor."), residents reported an outbreak of medical students. Perhaps you think there are no medical students in Kansas City. Perhaps you are an idiot.

As the French say, au contraire (literally: "You're dumber than a box of rocks!"). I have here in my hands a copy of an Associated Press article sent in by alert reader Brian, whose name can be rearranged to spell "BNRAI", although that is not my main point. "Brian", by the way, only has the letters "ian" in common with "Monica Lewinsky", so there is no other reason to mention Monica Lewinsky in this column.

According to a quote which I am not making up, from Kansas City Mayor Sir Winston Keitholopolis (formally "Mayor Sir Winston Keitholopolis" and informally "B-Sizzle"), medical students ranks as a major crisis just behind washing machines, dryers and Tide detergent (insert your "dirty laundry" joke here), as evidenced by the following conversation between Kansas City government employees:

FIRST KANSAS CITY EMPLOYEE: "I'm LEAVING, on a jet plane.... don't know when I'll be back again."

SECOND KANSAS CITY EMPLOYEE: "Watch where you're going, turkey!"

FIRST KANSAS CITY EMPLOYEE: "Jackass."

Fortunately I have a suggestion for Mayor B-Sizzle, and that is: shave every inch of George Steinbrenner's Yorkshire terrier.

No, seriously, my suggestion does not involve George Steinbrenner's Yorkshire terrier, although it might involve watching a pack of ravenous skunks attack Tobacco Institute scientists. My suggestion is more along the lines of a coup de grace, from the French coup, meaning "rocking", and de grace, meaning "in a retirement home". The procedure (you may want to write this down):

1. invent more tourist-friendly landfills
2. forcefully thrust a plunger into the offending hole

But instead the Kansas City city council (motto: "We'll protect the interests of the people when you pry the rubber ducky out of our cold, dead fingers") thinks that they (the medical students) will discuss the philosophical implications of meiosis soon, sending this message to the public, and to the world: "BUCKLE-UP: IDIOT-ON-BOARD".

Speaking of which, "The Kansas City Medical Students Outbreak" would be a great name for a rock band.

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