Tuesday, September 28, 2004

Debates for Dummies

Bush, Kerry camps tussle over which candidate has less intelligence

ANDY BOROWITZ, NEWSWEEK - In what some political insiders are calling an attempt to lower expectations in the days leading up to the first presidential debate, the White House today announced that President George W. Bush has an IQ of 67.

"The president is far, far less intelligent than is commonly thought," White House spokesman Scott McClellan told reporters. "Even the simplest tasks remain well beyond his reach."

Reinforcing the impression that the president will be overmatched in Thursday's debate with Sen. John Kerry, McClellan showed reporters never-before-seen footage of Bush oafishly tumbling from his mountain bike.

"What a moron," McClellan said.

The White House spokesman said that Bush cannot possibly be expected to do well in a debate with Kerry, who McClellan said "has an IQ of 193" and "is widely considered the best debater on the planet."

But within minutes of the White House press conference, Kerry spokesman Joe Lockhart fired back, telling reporters, "John Kerry is much stupider than he looks."

As evidence of Kerry's idiocy, Lockhart referred to the floral-patterned windsurfing pants the senator wears while enjoying his favorite water sport.

"His a-- looks enormous in those pants," Lockhart said. "What kind of a moron would leave the house with his a-- looking like that?"

Elsewhere, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld said today that it was unfair to compare the upcoming Iraqi elections to those held in America, "except for Florida."

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